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live my own life, please?
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| Things I Like |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|11:59 pm] |
This photo in today's International Herald Tribune blows my mind - and makes me glad I still buy the paper every day. Fuck, I'm going to cut it out and stick it on the wall behind my computer.
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| Nonsolus solstice |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|01:01 pm] |
It must be Christmastime because I'm gaining weight and I don't care. Tis the season to eat all that chocolate. Plus, I made these divine chocolate truffles and they're too good to resist. And why should I?! It's too cold, even indoors, to walk around nekkid and the cats don't mind if there's more lap to sit on.
This is the time for decadence and love and abundance so give all that to everyone you can (even yourself, mopey!). Add to the good vibes overhead! Even if it's just a hello to the liquor store lady working the register near the door, shivering every time it opens. She was so happy just to hear me say, "Merry Christmas" when I left with my Christmas morning mimosa supplies.
For the first time in as long as I can recall, I'm spending Christmas Eve and Day alone. No family, no friends, and (even slightly shocking to me) I want it like this, thank you. I got my Family Christmas already when I went to Vegas earlier this month (pics in a day or two) and I've had one of two Friend Christmas' already. Every card or little gift that comes in the mail warms me up so much. I won't be traveling and the most I'll do, with luck, is have dinner with a buddy or two.
The Eve and the Day can be quiet and peaceful and I'll have no regrets. I can't say I want it any differently. Me, unshowered, playing with the cats, watching a movie, and drinking mimosas while the Christmas lights twinkle and the heat is cranked up. That's my Christmas dream. |
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| What It Says About You |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|02:15 pm] |
Today, Jezebel has an interesting article joking about what types of people read certain magazines.
I decided to expand their list. Feel free to do the same.
Butt Magazine: Margarette Cho.
Blue Boy: Tom Cruise
The Village Voice: George W. Bush
Nerve.com: Hipsters who are trying to get laid.
Salon: Alcoholics who find Dear Abby too challenging an advice column.
Bust Magazine: The type of girl you actually want to fuck.
Wired: Lindsay Lohan
Bear Magazine: James Hetfield
New York Times Book Review: Dudes whose only chance at getting laid is knowing something about the random book a girl at Starbucks is reading.
Highlights For Children: Pete Townsend.
Kerrang! People auditioning to replace whomever Axl Rose fires next.
Freedom Magazine: The 240 remaining members of the Hall & Oates Fan Club
Watchtower: All of your sister wives. |
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| Writer's Block: It's the thought that counts |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|11:08 am] |
Going to the fucking post office makes me anxious. Everything makes me anxious. Fuck, if I take a different route back from the store I get anxious.
What do you have against me? Why are you out to get me? You'll never take me alive! |
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| Silent Night Deadly Night |
[Dec. 23rd, 2009|01:11 am] |
Watched it with Rome Girl tonight.
I hadn't seen it in about 10 years. Still loved it.
She thought it was an awful movie but laughed a lot during it - so I don't think she had a bad time.
She also said she thought if Rob Zombie did a version of it that it would probably be pretty cool.
I think this means I've spoiled her for horror movies by showing her all the Rob Zombie films, because they are so good that late 70s/early 80s genre films really can't compare. |
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| Forbidden Fruit |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|12:03 pm] |
I was hanging out with a female friend at the Vert Anglais last night and she mentioned that she'd managed to seduce one of her gay male professors.
"How was it," I asked.
"Surprisingly good," she said.
"Would you do it again," I asked.
"No," she said. "He doesn't like girls."
This intrigues me. Does this happen fairly often? Or is she the exception that proves the rule. Have any of you girls successfully seduced a gay dude? Would you want to? Have you tried?
The Drunk Ex Pat Writer wants to know, on the QT and very, very, hush hush. |
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| Avatar Rant |
[Dec. 22nd, 2009|11:02 am] |
Ok, so I've not hit my limit of people bitching that Avatar is "This is just about a white man saving Native Americans and why are all the aliens black and the one guy who saves them white."
First off - It's about several people helping to save the aliens - two of which are women and the most important one (because nothing could have happened without her) is Latina. I think she'd be pretty pissed off at nobody remembering that she is crucial to the main plot point.
Beyond that, thinking that these people are Native Americans is the most Americentric piece of bullshit I've heard in a while. Guess what - no reviewer outside of the United States has bitched about that. They probably haven't even thought about it. You might as well say they are Indians and the invaders are British. Or they are Algerians and the invaders are French. Or whatever. Don't throw America's collective guilt onto a film when it's just not there.
And... the aliens are tall blue cats with opposable thumbs. How in the name of holy hell do you confuse Native Americans with felines?
As to the shit of why "big white man" is able to tame giant red thing when the native's can't. It's not because he jumped on the thing. It's because the thing chose him - the same way the planet itself did. They screwed up the DNA in his Avatar accidentally in a way that made him more at harmony with the planet than the other Avatars. Bitching about this is like bitching about "hey, how come Luke can blow up the Death Star when the other people's torpedoes just impact on the surface."
More to the point. He doesn't "save" these people. It makes a point that the planet saves itself. All he does is explain the idea of machines to them (so they know where to attack these things.)
What saves the planet is all the different creatures working in harmony. This happens, again, once he explains to the tree of life (or whatever they call it in English) exactly what the threat is. This is an even exchange. They explain their world to him, so he understand its threats. Then he explains his people to them, so they understand the threat from them. |
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| Posted using TxtLJ |
[Dec. 21st, 2009|04:40 pm] |
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Disney World is great, but I just have one thing to say: OMFG DOLE WHIP! |
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| The Unfuckable Five |
[Dec. 21st, 2009|04:31 pm] |
Today the always wonderful Miss Information talks about shit not to put in your dating profile if you actually want to get laid.
Then she asks people to brainstorm their own list. I can't speak for dudes. My Nerve profile when it was active was long, rambling and written while I was running from the law, dodging shitty emails from a soon to be ex-wife and snorting amyl poppers after a three day Jack Daniels, heroin and meth binge, so who knows what the fuck it said.
But here's my list of things I'd see in girl profiles that made me not respond to them even after the hallucinogenic toad tryptamines had kicked in.
Unfuckable five:
1. Any that use "69" or "cunt" in their profile name. There are more examples of this than you'd think.
2. Listing anything by David Sedaris in your profile anywhere. Yeah, yeah, every girl in New York who thinks she's cool reads David. And, he used to leave near me. Fine. But you are not telling me anything new. Why not mention a book or author that hasn't been put into 98 percent of all Nerve online profiles? Also, I don't want to be thinking about the "Homophobia Newsletter" when I'm trying to talk you into meeting me so I can get into your panties.
3. Any mention of REO Speedwagon, Hall & Oates, Air Supply or Nickelback in your profile.
4. Bitching about the types of guys who have fucked you over in your profile. I don't want to have to think about other dudes fucking you and then treating you like shit. And any guy who responds to this type of profile is going to do so because he wants his chance to fuck you and then treat you like shit.
5. That girl that used to be on Nerve whose entire Nerve profile consisted of "I'm looking for hairy Jewish apes. You know who you are." Why the fuck did Nerve always try to fucking match me up with that girl? And even if you were a hairy Jewish dude, would you respond to that shit? It would be up there with some chick posting "I'm looking for spearchucker mandingo warriors. You know who you are." |
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| Dear UK Residents |
[Dec. 21st, 2009|12:56 pm] |
Good job at giving Sony Music a shitton of money and making an old Rage Against The Machine song #1 on the UK charts Christmas week.
This was a wonderful expenditure of your time, energy and hard earned cash. It shows the great tradition of British irony - funneling money to one of the biggest corporate machines in the world, while their "product" claims to rage against that machine itself.
Next year, my plan is to try to make William Shatner's "Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds" #1 on the UK charts during Christmas week.
I hope you'll support my efforts.
Love,
Bart |
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| Whoring |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|01:11 pm] |
If you get a chance please click here and "digg" my new blog.
It may say something about registering - but if you are a member of Facebook you are already registered. Just click on "Use Facebook to register."
Thanks! |
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| Rules For The Vert Anglais In Montpellier |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|01:03 pm] |
Dear residents of Montpellier - I'd like to suggest some really simple rules of conduct when you hang out at the Vert Anglais:
1. Close the fucking door when you leave. In the winter it's closed to keep the heat in. In the summer it's closed to keep the air conditioning in. Both of which are important.
2. After you wash your hands turn off the fucking faucet. There is nothing worse than having to pee, realizing you have to wait for someone else to finish and seeing/hearing running water.
3. Yes there are two levels to the bar. But, you'll notice a sign in both English and French that either says "Open" or "Closed." If it says closed and you go up there, you are not likely to have someone come up there and sell you a drink.
4. No, you are not entitled to free drinks if you have had a couple rounds of coffee. And, asking the bartender for free beers after you've sat there for four hours nursing coffee will not make you any friends.
5. Loudly asking your server if he is gay while giggling makes you - not him - look like an asshole.
6. "Reserve" is not a difficult word to translate from French to English. If a table has a large sign reading "reserve" on it you should probably sit somewhere else.
7. If you walk up to the bar and see four completely empty seats and one seat with a half drunk beer and a cell phone sitting in front of it - chose any other seat than that one.
8. If you order a pink beer you have to accept that you will be slightly made fun of.
9. That pretty girl who serves you drinks during the day - she's an out and proud lesbian. If you are a dude hitting on her will get you nowhere.
10. Fucking tip the bar staff. They work really fucking hard and 80 percent of you bastards don't leave them a dime. |
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| Saturday |
[Dec. 20th, 2009|12:39 pm] |
The plan was to take Rome Girl out for a nice pre-birthday lunch at her favorite Indian restaurant in Antigone, but after she woke up and opened up the balcony window she decided it was way fucking too cold to head down there.
So, she decided she wanted to order Domino's and watch her favorite videos all day. This is a special treat because Domino's is ridiculously expensive in France (seriously - $30 for a peperoni pizza!)
We call up on Domino's but the dude there said they couldn't deliver. When I asked why he responded: "Il fait froid."
Fucker!
But the second Domino's we called delivered and we watched Bad Santa, Elf, Mary J. Blige in Concert and a Beastie Boys video compilation.
Then we went to the Vert Anglais and she downed a shitheap of Chocolate Orange Martinis and Apple Pie Martinis.
Today - her actual birthday - she wants to play poker with me and the boys at the Vert Anglais and backgammon with Alex Fuller.
Should be fun. |
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| The Most Cake |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|10:19 am] |
While explaining Courtney Love In Translation to my shrink today she asked me if I felt like "doll parts."
I'm still pondering that one.
But, it's a good question. |
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